I'm not quite sure about what I should be saying. Let me start by saying sorry. I'm sorry for freaking out in the beginning, during the audition process. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life before. When I found out about the play being Romeo and Juliet, I knew that I would have something to offer, something big. I'm not sure how to describe the feeling of wanting something so bad, but I felt guilty. The things that a person thinks that they have to do in order to get something that they want is an unpleasant feeling, a feeling that I know i'll have to revisit again.
I got into two big arguments with my mother. My mother would come home to find her son in a foul mood full of angst. Whenever she would ask me if everything was okay I'd just look at her and nod. A single gesture indicating that everything was not 'alright.' After I told her about my 'need' for this character, Romeo, she was shocked. I've never wanted a main role before in my life, but after hearing about all the expectations that were set on me, I felt a need to have the character. I also knew that I felt a feeling of confidence toward the character as well. Feeling confident about anything, is something that I find challenging. Feeling confident about a character, a connection? That's a feeling I that I never would have expected to feel in a million years.
I remember auditioning for a small production in my Freshman year of Highschool. We were to get any piece that we found interesting and had to preform it in front of all the other students. I chose Romeo and Juliet, the balcony scene. One by one, all the students went up to audition, except for me. When it came down to the last person (me), I simply chuckled and said "It's okay." I went home on the late bus that night, feeling like a part of me had died. What was so different about me? Why, out of all the other kids, did I not have the courage to even audition? It's insane.
My father and I got into an argument as well. It's scary when one of the most intimidating person in Korea shouts down your ear. I've never been shouted at like that in my life. It was about Romeo and Juliet. I was a baby. I wanted the role so bad, that I was forgetting who I was as a person, my morals, my ethics, and where my heart truly lied. At one point, I just wanted to quit everything. The fear of not getting what I wanted was something that had been eating away at me for the Summer Holidays all up to that point. He told me that if I truly wanted to act, then it had to be for the love of acting itself, not the role that I wanted. If I even did want Romeo, I had to meet the character at a half-way mark and not totally sell myself towards the character. In other words, I had to let the character become me. At first, I didn't understand what in the world that meant. As the time passed, everything started to make sense. If you want to be a character, you need to let your mind belong to the character, and not you. Your habits and actions, need to translate through the emotions of the character, while still being unique. If you get the role, you get it. If you don't, you try harder next time to meet the character halfway.
Romeo, was the hardest character that I've ever played. It was physically hard, mentally challenging, emotionally challenging and .. it made me realise why Shakespeare was considered to be such a genius.
I can't quite understand how but, the words started to truly make sense to me on the opening night. I started doing things that weren't scripted within the blocking. I tend to do this a lot. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but, I just know that it feels magical. I hope that this is what my father had meant when he told me to meet Romeo halfway. I'm going to miss the play. I'm going to miss Romeo. I love Romeo.
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